


Better Than Memories

by DragonWannabe



Series: Hiding [2]
Category: Captain America - Movies, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Brief mentions of past homophobia, Bucky doesn't really trust himself, But he would very much like to see Steve, Fluff, He's very forgiving, I didn't do Sam any justice but he has a line, M/M, Natasha less so, Post- The Winter Soldier, Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 16:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2075676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWannabe/pseuds/DragonWannabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembers. He remembers being scared someone would find out, he remembers loving Steve with all he had, and being loved the same way. </p><p>OR:</p><p>Bucky finds out that their relationship is legal now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be the last installment of the first part of this series, but alas, it didn't fulfill the prompt but was long enough for a stand alone. 
> 
> It fits in between 0 and +1, so I guess it's +.5. 
> 
> There's brief mentions of homophobia, but nothing like the first part. 
> 
> Un-beta'd, all mistakes are my fault. If you see any typos, please let me know!
> 
> Please do not copy/repost this without my permission.

Bucky stayed near DC for a while, often visiting the Captain America exhibit. He holed up in an abandoned safe house, pick pocketed for money, and let himself remember. 

After the knowledge of _Steve_ , came the missions HYDRA forced him to do, he could remember the intensity and singlemindedness of completing them. He remembered shooting a French dignitary, and a president in the sixties. He remembered bashing the head in of a man who wouldn't die in a car accident. He remembered the pain the accompanied the chair, the mindless obedience. 

The more often he visited the Captain America exhibit, the more he could recall a small skinny boy, body covered with bruises from a fight, fear, fear of being found out, hiding in the dark. The more he visited, the more he recollected hiding in a tent, how suddenly the blonde ( _Steve_ ) was taller and bigger than he was, he remembered falling and he remembered being told the man was dead. 

He remembered the all encompassing love he felt for him, at first he was scared, it was wrong, but then it was returned and Steve wasn't, couldn't, be part of anything wrong. 

He knew Steve and the man with wings ( _Wilson_ ) and Romanoff were looking for him. But they couldn't find him and that was _good_ because he wasn't safe yet. He blacked out for a few minutes here and there and when he came back nothing had been disturbed, but now he was alone and he wasn't sure how he'd react if someone was. 

A month passed and then another two weeks and Bucky had gone fourteen days without being unaware. He packed what few items he had, clothes and weapons, mostly, and went to New York. 

Steve wasn't there, he was still is Eastern Europe, scouting out old HYDRA haunts after scouring DC with no luck, but his friend owned a tower there, and it would be safest if at first he didn't see Steve. 

Stark was there, along with a Doctor Banner. He'd read up on the both of them, and there was no way he could hurt Banner, and Stark probably had some plan in place if he was attacked in his tower. 

He could have just walked into the lobby, but he didn't want to make a scene. He watched the building, noticing when most of the workers left or arrived, noted the deliveries that came, and learned that Banner left the tower every other day to walk in the park. 

He tailed Banner the first time, worked up the nerve to talk to him the second, and the third time he walked along side the soft spoken man. 

"Doctor Banner." 

Banner stiffened, and turned his head until he caught Bucky's eye, and the tension melted out of his body. "You must be the infamous Barnes."

"The one and only." Bucky drawled. 

"Steve's not here." Banner told him. "He's in Europe, I think. Looking for you." 

"I know."

"Then what do you want me for?" the doctor asked. 

"I need to get into the tower."

"Why?" 

"Need to test myself around people. You're as good as any." This wasn't the only reason. He wasn't sure if he could handle being around people, and he wanted to be somewhere Steve could easily find him. 

"Tony won't want to let you in." Banner pointed out. 

"Well, I need to get in there. You can lock me in a room and call Steve, I don't care, but I would really appreciate it if you could get me into that tower." He did need to apologize for killing Stark's parents, but maybe not today. 

"Do you want to go now? I usually spend more time here, but I think I can make an exception."

"You usually spend ninety seven minutes at the park, not including travel to and from. It totals almost exactly two hours. Feel free to spend the next forty two minutes completing your routine." 

"That's creepy." 

They spent the next forty one minutes in silence. 

Banner took him to the underground entrance, leading him to an elevator with a retinal scanner instead of arrow buttons. He scanned his eye, and when the ding of the elevator sounded, they stepped inside, and he started fidgeting. "It's going to report a security breach in about thirty seconds, Tony's going to be standing outside the doors, and don't be offended when he demands to look at the arm."

He expected as much. "Gotcha."

"He's also going to call Steve and he'll probably be here before noon tomorrow."

"Expected as much."

The lift was state of the art, and did stop within thirty seconds. 

" _Doctor Banner, would you mind identifying your guest?_ " an accented voice crackled overhead, startling Bucky. 

Banner looked up at the ceiling when he replied, "James Barnes. Steve's, uh, friend. Tell Tony that I don't think he means any harm, but he might want to wear the bracelets anyway." He glanced over at Bucky and grimaced. "I… know what it's like, everyone being on edge around you. It's awful and I'm sorry but…"

Bucky shook his head, "S'fine. I'da be on edge too. Not really the poster boy for stability like Steve."

Banner snorted. "None of us are the poster boys for anything. Except maybe destruction."

Bucky made a noncommittal noise. The elevator doors slid open, revealing the billionaire trying, and failing in Bucky's opinion, to appear nonchalant. 

"You must be Barnes. Brucie, baby, where did you find him? I thought the two Popsicles were going to find each other and live happily ever after?" Stark pouted. Bucky tried not to let the casual endearments bother him. They wouldn't be doing that if it was real, not all the money in the world could save Stark from being ruined. 

"I didn't find him, he found me." Banner corrected, walking past Stark. Bucky made to follow him, but the inventor stepped in his path, effectively stopping him. 

"Where are you going, Terminator?" Stark asked, "You and I are going right back down to my workshop and you're letting me look at that arm."

Bucky frowned. "No. Not right now. It doesn't need recalibrated." He stalked past Stark, following the same path Banner took. Stark followed him, excitement leaking into his voice. 

"How am I supposed to know how to 'recalibrate' it if I don't know how it works beforehand? Not that I mind flying blind, just not with such advanced machinery." Bucky found Banner sitting at a table, tablet in front of him as he snacked on an apple. "Tell your new friend I need to look at his arm!"

Banner looked up at the two, "Not his keeper." 

"Green bean, you're the _worst_." Tony grumbled. 

"You gonna call Steve?" Bucky interrupted their bickering. 

"Already done. Did it while you were in the elevator. I've gotta tell you, he sounded relieved. Did you know that he's been in Romania looking for you? How would you even get through airport security?"

"Doesn't go off at metal detectors." Bucky replied absently.

"You're lying. Let me look at it." Stark looked even more eager. 

"You'll be the first person I look for when it needs recalibrated. Until then, Stark, hands off." 

"What about if I show you your room? Then can I look at it?" The inventor wheedled. 

"Nope." Bucky popped the 'p'. 

"You're in my building!" He argued. 

"And if you kick me out you're gonna have to face Captain America's disappointed face, and not all the money in the world is gonna save you the shame." 

"He has a point, Tony. Do you want to be the one to make America's icon sad?" 

Stark mumbled something under his breath. "You're on Capsicle's floor. It'll be just like the good ol' days. Just without all the," he waved his hand, "Disease. Poverty. Lack of electricity." He shuddered. 

"We had electricity in the thirties."

"Disease. Poverty."

"Show me the damn room."

~

The room turned out to be an entire floor, and Stark did lock him on it. A clock hung on the wall, so he knew how much time had passed and if anything that made the waiting worse. He walked around the floor, taking in the room, noting the garish decor. Steve didn't even _like_ red, white, and blue all that much.

He scouted all the possible exits, noting that each one of them was electronically locked, giving the appearance of inescapablity, but if he applied enough force on the hinges he could get out into the emergency stairwell and Bucky wasn't quite sure exactly what would come after, but he was certain he could get out. If he needed to. 

He sat in the foyer, waiting. The chair was comfortable enough, and Bucky was sure he dozed off in it for a few minutes. The only interruption he received was Banner coming in with food, and Bucky would have probably eaten it anyway, even if Banner hadn't stayed and made sure because he really didn't have anything better to do other than worry. 

And he did worry. He worried about if Steve was still going to want him, he worried that he would accidentally hurt Steve when he was unaware what he was doing, he worried about hurting other people, because he was so much _stronger_. He worried about nightmares and latent programming and that with one word he'd be back to the machine, not caring about Steve anymore, willing to kill people mindlessly. 

And as the hours passed Bucky felt like this had been the wrong decision, he shouldn't have come and put Steve and his friends in danger. He felt the urge to stand up and wear a path on the floor, but he forced himself to stay still, his time (seventy odd years of it) as a sniper helping his resolve. 

But none of the targets while he was the Winter Soldier filled him with dread like this did. 

Bucky watched the elevator door for what seemed like a life time. 

Then the numbers started changing, going up up up and his resolve to sit still disappeared, he stood up, and remembered what he looked like (over a months worth of facial hair, ratty clothes, he hadn't taken a shower in a week, he probably reeked, why didn't he clean up why _didn't he_ ). He ran his metal hand through his hair, and God, that was another thing. It was dangerous and it had killed so many people, _he_ had killed so many people. 

His stomach clenched as the numbers got higher. And they slowed, it was only a matter of time and there was a soft ding. 

Steve practically ran out of the elevator, stopping when he realized that Bucky was here and he wouldn't have to look anymore. He focused his eyes on Steve, desperately ignoring the part of his brain that told him to pay attention to the two people still in the lift, to calculate a threat assessment. 

Steve stared at him and Bucky tried to give a small smile, but he was sure it looked like a grimace, but it _wasn't_ , "1931, the alley next to the diner, you got in a fight with three boys who catcalled this poor girl. I told you my name was James Buchanan Barnes and then to call me Bucky." Bucky croaked, then cleared his throat. "1936, your mother died from tuberculosis and we started living together. 1938, you almost died from pneumonia. 1939 our neighbor reported gunshots and you said it was trash can lids." He swallowed, because he didn't want to point out why that was important, not in front of two people who would use it against them. 

He tried ignoring the audience behind Steve, he tried not to notice the way the two in the lift had exited, the redhead subtly trying to reach for a weapon, the man just standing there, watching. 

"1942, I yelled at you for joining the army and you said you'd stop but you signed up _again_ and got in that night. We were supposed to be on a date, and your girl's name was Bonnie but she left you so you went and tried to sign in again. 1943, Captain America saved me from a HYDRA base, 32557308. 1943, we spent leave in England together. You couldn't get Peggy to go on a date with you, so we spent it together." God, Steve had to have remembered that night. He _had to_. "1944, we shared a tent in the mountains because it was so damn cold and you were like a furnace." He shook his head, trying to dislodge the memory of what happened a few days after they were caught sharing. Steve stared at him, mouth opening as though to say something, but Bucky wasn't finished yet. "2014, the asset was woken up for the last time, Target, Fury, Nicholas J. Successful. Asset wiped. Two targets, Romanoff, Natasha, alias the Black Widow. Rogers, Steven G. alias Captain America. Mission unsuccessful." He sounded more desperate as he continued.

"2014, the asset," Steve flinched, but Bucky _wasn't_ the asset any more, that was what he was trying to prove, "Malfunctioned. Started remembering past life." He remembered fleeting touches and of a home and the all encompassing love he felt. Steve opened his mouth again, but no words came out. 

A female voice cut through their moment, and Bucky finally laid his attention on Romanoff. She had two knives hidden up her sleeves and one gun in her boot and another hidden under her shirt. "Steve. Is what he saying true?"

Steve closed his mouth, swallowed, then nodded. 

Wilson moved, and Bucky's eyes shifted to the unassuming man. He didn't have any weapons hidden on him, and in a crowd he would have been labelled a small risk. "Sorry about your," he fished for the right word, "wings."

Wilson blinked. "Stark's building me a new set. No harm no foul."

He clenched his fist, he almost _killed_ the man, Steve's _friend_ , it wasn't alright, and the Widow shifted. He remembered shooting at her on the bridge, he remembered shooting through her, before that. 

"You too, Romanoff. My apologies for shooting you. Twice." She didn't give any indication of being surprised, but he was certain she was. 

Steve still hadn't said a word, but he stepped towards Bucky, silently asking and yes, God, yes, and then Steve was hugging him, soft breaths of air brushed passed his hair, onto his ear and it tickled. He brought his right arm around those broad shoulders and returned the embrace. It said _I missed you_ and _Welcome home_. 

His beard scratched that chiseled jaw, and he could see it turning red from the irritation. He pulled back, and Steve released him. 

"You need to shave, Buck." He smiled.

"I kinda liked the homeless look. Thought it suited me."

~

Steve helped him shave. He trimmed the hair on his face before he found a straight razor in one of the drawers. Bucky actually did the shaving, because he didn't think that he could handle baring his throat like that, to anyone.

"What do you remember?" He had asked. 

"I want to say everything. But, I'm sure that's not true. I remember everything important, like your birthday," He scraped the blade across the thin skin, "my birthday, the day Rebecca got married, the day I shipped out, when you got pneumonia in '38." Scrape, scrape, scrape, "I remember hiding and being scared someone would find out what we did. I remember bein' head over heels for you." He stopped, a look of horror and shame on his face, and dropped the blade. Just because Steve was willing to be his friend again didn't mean he wanted everything that came with a more intimate relationship. Bucky would have understood, it was hard enough hiding without him being such a mess. Bucky wouldn't have blamed him if he moved on. "I'm, I've... I just assumed you would want to go back to what we were." 

Steve picked the razor off the floor and handed it back, "If you wanted to, we, uh, could. But if you don't want to, that's fine too. We were always friends first." Bucky breathed out a sigh of relief, and took the razor from his partner's hand, resuming cleaning himself up. 

"Are there camera's in the rooms?" It would make it difficult to continue undetected if there were, but they could always go out and rent a motel room or something. He finished shaving the last of his hair off his face, and rinsed the leftover foam off. 

"Probably. I think if I asked, Tony would take them out." Damn. 

"Don't. It will make him suspicious." Damn Stark. Damn him. 

"Suspicious?" Steve looked confused. Then, "Oh. Oh! It's not, we don't..." He struggled for words. "It's accepted now."

Bucky looked at him. He wasn't saying what he thought he was. He couldn't be. "What?"

Steve took in a large breath of air, and rushed out, "I know, I was the same way. I woke up and then there were these alien invaders and you had just died and I know the serum made my memory perfect but I didn't want... I didn't want to forget and I was afraid I would if I didn't draw it all out. And Stark took it and saw," here Steve blushed, "uh, one of the things and he explained. I wrecked a bed, because it wasn't _fair_ that I got to wake up in the future, when it was allowed and you weren't carted off to jail for loving somebody, and you weren't with me.

Steve looked guilty, "I should have told you sooner, but I've been acclimating myself and everyone knows that and I assumed, well, it doesn't matter. I should have told you, first thing."

It wasn't that big of a thing. They would have continued their relationship, legal or no, and the few hours he had spent worrying were worth it. "S'okay, Steve. I've waited eighty years, what's an hour compared to that? 'Sides, I'm here now." 

Steve gave a small smile, "Yeah. Yeah, you are."

"Does this mean I can kiss you? In public? I don't... I don't have to stop myself?" He couldn't remember everything, but he remembered that being one of the most difficult parts of their relationship. He couldn't help but feel that it would be hard for him to kiss Steve where other people could see; it was so ingrained in him not to show it in public where it was dangerous for the both of them. 

"You can kiss me whenever and wherever you'd like."

Bucky took the invitation, and reached his right hand out to cup the blond's jaw. He raised the metal arm but stopped himself from letting it touch Steve's skin, instead allowing it to grab his shirt. 

The bigger man's hands lifted and slotted themselves into the brunet's hair. He wrapped the long strands around his fingers and brought him closer. Bucky completed the distance and this was _better_ , so much better, than the memories.

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all comments are appreciated. 
> 
> I might write the fic in which why Bucky picked that particular incident of Steve almost dying from pneumonia instead of another. But that will most likely be the end of "Hiding". 
> 
> I think that at first Bucky remembers things like how Steve acted, what he said, their feelings for one another, etc. before he remembered anything else. Then it kind of works backwards, he remembers recent missions and not so recent missions and finally things that happened to him back in Brooklyn and while in the army. 
> 
> I also believe that Steve would have neglected to mention immediately that being homosexual was no longer illegal, because he's accepted it and while he doesn't forget what it used to be like, he does forget that Bucky doesn't know. 
> 
> Then again I could be totally wrong and he spills it as soon as possible. But I wanted it to go this way. I needed the explanation as to why Steve drew a sketchbook full of Bucky if he thought if it was ever found he would be punished.
> 
> Come find me on tumblr at wintersoldger.tumblr.com.


End file.
